Hey kids, when that unmistakable South Oakland summer stench paralyzes your instinct to breathe oxygen, this can be a tough neighborhood to call home. Most of us remained trapped here by limited incomes, lack of marketable skills, and few prospects of ever achieving anything even remotely redeeming for society. For those truly despondent with their lot in life, we offer this trivial nugget of hope.That's right kids, it's the quazi-annual "Best of South Oakland!
Special thanks to our friends on Twitter who submitted their own #BestOfSouthOakland. Their nominations are below.
Best Brunch Spot: Mellinger's
Best Unrelated Relative: Jimmy
Best Stench: Atwood/Louisa
Best Street to Pass Out in the Middle Of: Melba Place
Worst Free Wallpaper: The reams of old, unused "Todd Graham" murals/billboards hastily torn down from athletics offices.
Best Unrecognizable Celebrity: New Pitt football coach Paul Chryst. (If only he had his own billboards.)
Best Craft Brew: No idea... never had one.
Best Home Brew: Discarded Natty Lights in 291 Meyran Basement
Favorite Local Athlete for the Next Five Days: Whomever the next big Pitt recruit ends up being.
Worst Unsanctioned Use of Adderall: Chronologically charting Dana Holgorsen's hair recession via Google Images.
Most Understanding Pitt Fan by Marriage: EJ Borghetti's wife
Best Place to Learn About the Birds and the Bees: Phipps Conservatory
Best Place to Learn About Fucking: South Oakland
Best Half-Priced Early Morning Drug Dealer: Wild-Eyed Mikey
Best Meteorologist: The one dude on McKee who says he knows when it will rain when his "bigger nut" starts acting up.
Best Place to be Served Underage: Pittsburgh Café (Submitted by Numerous Readers)
Best Place to Get Stabbed: Pittsburgh Café (Submitted by @jubanator)
Best Burger-Flipping Utensil: A strip of cardboard from a case of Keystone Light (Submitted by @PittDLHall)
Best Car to Puke On Outside of Peter's Pub: Any of them. (Submitted by @Deveffect)
Best Place to Eat Pizza: The Front Stoop of 245 Atwood (Submitted by @bjgarber)
Still reeling from his unexpected and sudden break up with long-time partner Bruce Arians, Ben Roethlisberger reluctantly agreed to get back on the coordinator scene today when he met Todd Haley. The two were supposed to meet at Buffalo Wild Wings for wings, beer, and football talk. Misunderstanding emerged, however, when the couple got their signals crossed on which location to meet at. North Hills biased Roethlisberger assumed Haley would cross rivers, tunnels, and bridges to see the quarterback at the Gibsonia location. Haley presumed Roethlisberger would come to meet him near his South Hills base at the West Mifflin site. After some back and forth, a compromise was reached as the twosome agreed to get together at the Pointe at North Fayette.
When both arrived, confusion still ensued as Haley forgot his glasses and Ben was expecting Haley to have a beard. The two kept missing each other until the recently clean shaven Haley was alerted to Roethlisberger’s presence when a slightly intoxicated guy at the bar yelled out, “hey, everybody, look – it’s Big Ben!”
After some awkward small talk about the traffic and routes taken, Ben lobbied for seats at the bar, while Haley, suspicious of eavesdropping, suggested a table in the corner. A decision couldn’t be reached and the teenage hostess was visibly frazzled by the impasse. The manager suggested a workable solution when he recommended a table in the bar area. Both reluctantly acquiesced.
When the waitress approached for drinks, Ben wanted to hurry up and spread out the meal with an appetizer order of the Tablegaiting Sampler. A more conservative Haley wanted to discuss the options first and run out some clock over drinks. Ben rolled his eyes, but relented as Miller Lites were ordered. While waiting, Haley opened up his playbook and showed his new QB some options for the upcoming season. Ben feigned interest, flipping through the book with one hand. However, under the table, Ben was actually looking at Arians’ old plays and subtly caressing former routes with his fingers. Page 20 of Haley’s playbook caught Ben’s eye as he recognized a semi-familiar formation. Tantalized by the prospect of scoring, and lost in the moment, Ben blurted out, “Oh, Bruce!” Both self-consciously ignored the outburst and refocused on their beers.
After finishing the playbook and their meals, the couple sat in silence for a good seven minutes. The waitress finally came by and asked if they wanted dessert. Before she could finish the sentence, both nervously proclaimed, “check.”
Once the check was brought another uncomfortable back and forth emerged as both parties grabbed for the bill. A further compromise was reached when the quarterback suggested he pay and Haley could tip.
A final awkward goodbye was witnessed. After an uncomfortable silence, Ben broke the ice by saying, “so…uh…I guess I’ll see you at OTAs?” Haley agreed with Roethlisberger’s sentiment and told him he could “call anytime…or don’t. Either way is fine. Whatever way you want to take the next step is OK. But, really, no pressure. I don’t want to force things so soon.”
Both Haley and Roethlisberger drove off onto 376 in opposite directions. Cell phone records indicated that Ben texted Arians on the road, writing, “miss you, thinking off you [sic]. Maybe meet up in Columbus, this weekend? Or not? Ugh…this is way harder than I thought it would be.”