Sunday, August 24, 2008
In a candid barroom confessional, Souf Oaklin fo’ Life!!! Publisher Emeritus Thomas Donald Stilley announced at Uncle Jimmy’s ten minutes ago that he plans to enter the monastery at St. Vincent College in the Spring of 2009. The announcement comes amid speculation after a previous taproom wager in which Stilley proclaimed he would become a monk if the Steelers lost to Jacksonville in last season’s AFC Wild-Card playoff game. As misfortune would have it, the Steelers lost the game, but most regulars speculated Stilley’s inebriation would supersede his word. Turns out, Stilley’s a much more coherent drunk than the general populace credits him for.
Stilley started the idea for what would become SOFL in the summer of 1977. Beset by Pitt pride after the Panther’s National Championship win in the 1977 Sugar Bowl, Stilley penned his first satirical prose for the Pitt News entitled “Chancellor Poopsvar Eats His Own Poo, and He Smells Too!” The piece was ultimately rejected by the university’s student newspaper, and derided as “juvenile” by then Pitt News High School Summer Editor Intern Michael Chabon. But Stilley maintained his positivity through the rejection. He shelved his ambitions while he worked at the J&L mill site, where he would be employed as shift engineer from 1977-1989, when the mill would close for good. In his spare time Stilley would edit Jones and Laughlin’s safety newsletters, but his heart still yearned for lampoonery. A “back injury” would sideline Stilley for the next decade as he collected disability and regularly drowned his sorrows in “Ahrns” at Uncle Jimmy’s in South Oakland. A chance meeting at a graduation bar crawl in 1999, connected Stilley with five graduating Pitt seniors. The relationship would develop and SOFL would launch its first issue in September 2001 under Stilley’s leadership.
Since Stilley’s retirement from SOFL, he focused on family – specifically his new child and his wife, Veronica. Stilley even attempted to mend relations with his “jag-off” Penn State graduate son Donny. But alas, the elder Stilley’s hatred for all things Nittany Lion proved too divisive to repair the relationship, and by the old man’s account, the son still remains “a jag.”
Since his retirement and post-Steeler Super Bowl XL victory, Stilley has reportedly felt a spiritual void that failed to be filled when the Steelers lost on a last second field goal to the Jaguars this past January. Skeptics theorize that Stilley really is using the monastery as an excuse to get a front row seat at next season’s training camp. They point to Stilley making the pilgrimage to Latrobe three times this current training camp season and complaining incessantly about the high gas price cost to get out there.
Whatever the man’s motivation for leaving, there can be no doubt that with his spiritual guidance the Steelers are a lock to win the Super Bowl next season in 2010.
Good luck Tom, we’ll miss you! Our Em dashes won’t be the same without you.
Friday, August 22, 2008
While President Bush and Congress enacted economic stimulus legislation to spark the American economy out of recession, in
“When we fought for these rebates for American workers, we had visions of these checks spurring local businesses and encouraging our regional economy in places like
Though Congressman Doyle has remained daunted by the harsh realities of the
Indestructible Backboard Installed at Field House - "God Himself couldn't break this backboard," says Bozik
This article originally appeared in the January 24, 1988 edition of "Souf Oaklin fo' Life!!!" -
Athletic Director Edward E. Bozik is proud to announce that the university has purchased a new state-of-the-art backboard to install at Fitzgerald Field House. The backboard was fabricated by PPG Industries whose mission was to create a backboard “so strong and durable that none of the fashionably-tight shorts wearing super-hoopsters of this modern era would be able to break it.” The backboard was installed with a new, highly-resistant, super-durable, heavy duty, plexi-glass known by its industry name Herculite® Tempered Plexi-glass.
“Why, this new Herculite material is so strong that God himself couldn’t break this backboard if he was on a fast break that culminated with a tomahawk dunk,” boasted CEO Vincent A. Sarni from PPG’s new crenelated Downtown skyscraper. “As a company, we’re excited and think this material will be the next big thing in material science. We’re confident that once the general public sees how well the substance holds up against the wear and tear of a basketball game, then the future possibilities will be limitless. Steam ships, space shuttles, tanks, bridges, rail roads, why you name it, and in ten years time it’s likely to be made out of Herculite. And, of course, with all the recently displaced blue collar workers from the closing of area steel mills, we’ll have a manufacturing job in this region for every man, woman, and child this side of the Youghiogheny.
Bozik plans to have the backboard installed in time for tomorrow's game against Providence.
Tipoff for the game is scheduled for 7:00 PM. Tickets to the game are still available for purchase via cash, check, or Diners Club card at the ticket window or by calling 412-648-P-I-T-T.
TV: The game will be featured on ESPN’s primetime. A television blackout is scheduled for the area.
Radio: WPTS 92.1 FM broadcast with Bill Hillgrove.
This article originally appeared in the May, 1999 edition of "Souf Oaklin fo' Life!!!" -
In his commencement address yesterday morning to a packed Mellon Arena, Australian film director Baz Luhrmann gave the
Luhrmann continued, “If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it. The long term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists.”
Luhrmann, whose hit films include Muriel’s Wedding and William Shakespeare’s Romeo + Juliet, was invited to address the class by Chancellor Mark A. Nordenberg after Nordenberg allegedly rented Romeo + Juliet on tape from Take 2 Video on Bates Street, in Oakland.
“I was just stopping by for a case of Bass Ale at Mellinger’s [Beer Distributer],” recalled Nordenberg, “when I remembered the wife wanted me to pick up a movie. Well, Blockbuster was just out of the way in
UPMC doctors have corroborated Mr. Luhrmann’s advice as “solid;” however, the rest of the speech was described as having “no basis more reliable than his own meandering experience.”