Specter: Belichick Hired Zapruder, Implicated in JFK Assassination Plot

Unable to provide tangible evidence that New England Patriots Head Coach Bill Belichick filmed the Pittsburgh Steelers in two AFC championship games, United States Senator Arlen Specter has turned his spygate attention south, to Dallas 1963. Uncovering buried video evidence on the assassination of President John Fitzgerald Kennedy, Specter is now implicating Belichick in hiring private citizen Abraham Zapruder to film both the assassination of the president and a walk through of the conspiracy the day before. The tapes were handed over to Specter by former New England Videographer Matt Walsh who found the tape in Belichick’s personal stockpile lying between tapes labeled “Kansas City 2005” and “Miami 2005-2006.”

“I thought we had an open and shut case after we issued our report in the Warren Commission,” explained Specter. “But two unpredictable events have occurred recently that have made the Commission’s findings virtually impossible. One, Belichick was born. Two, he started paying people to film things – illegal things. The time frame, 44 years. He started small, with the assassination of an American president, and like any criminal got more bold and aggressive as time went on by stealing football signals. Belichick claims that the Super Bowl victories come from one man – a superhuman quarterback if you will, his ‘single gunslinger theory.’ But ladies and gentleman don’t be fooled. These newest tapes show that Mr. Belichick has wreaked havoc on the American people starting in November, 1963 and ending in Super Bowl XXXIX. If there were taped walkthroughs on both occasions, then by definition there is a conspiracy.”

At Wednesday’s press conference, Specter explained that in 1963, the then 11-year-old Belichick had strong military connections in Annapolis, Maryland and enough allowance saved to orchestrate a taping of the assassination. Specter was not immediately clear on how Belichick was involved in the conspiracy, only that the taping proved of his involvement at some level. He continued to answer questions about the role of the Warren Commission’s failure to uncover the conspiracy.

“All right, fine [the Warren Commission was] wrong, there are you happy,” admitted Specter. “We let the murderers of a standing American president walk free, fine, look everyone makes mistakes, there’s not much more we can do about it, so let’s get over it already. So we lost an inspirational leader, we’ll get another one soon I’m sure. That Obama guy seems pretty inspirational. But the Eagles loss in Super Bowl XXXIX, that’s not so easily replaceable. I mean McNabb’s on his last knees and we’re lucky to even make the playoffs these days. That Lombardi trophy would have meant so much to this city, but that Croatian [expletive] had to ruin it for us.”

Contacted for a statement about Specter’s newest accusation, Belichick staged his own press conference where he cleared his throat multiple times, looked shiftily around the room and then declared, “No comment.”