Sunday, April 25, 2004

Local Prostitutes Form Labor Union

In an attempt to empower promiscuous women everywhere, area-prostitutes have formed a labor union. The Sisterhood of Benevolent Sex Workers, Local 1269, had its first meeting in February after six St. John’s University basketball players stiffed McKees Rocks prostitute Sherri Ann Urbanek-Bach out of $1000.

“This is a business,” said union president Nikki “Boom Boom” Brown. “You can’t ride a bus without paying the fare…well, the same goes for prostitutes!”

Armed with picket signs and pasties, Local 1269 traveled to Washington D.C. to protest outside of the White House. Chanting, “Hell no! We won’t blow!” the prostitutes demanded safer workplaces, health care benefits, contraceptive equity, and liberation from greedy pimps.

“We’re trying to build solidarity among the workers,” said Stacey “Deepthroat” Nixon, editor of the union’s monthly newsletter The Spread Eagle. “That’s why we’re encouraging our girls to engage in more threesomes, gangbangs, and orgies.”

Although the union’s message failed to get much political attention, the prostitutes themselves got a lot of attention from politicians.

“Between the House and the Senate, I made over $3000 last night,” exclaimed Peaches, a 45-year-old toothless prostitute. “Too bad Clinton’s not in office anymore...I would’ve doubled my money!”

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