Sunday, April 25, 2004

South Oakland Drunk Dials Pitt

After years of complaining about the treatment by its sexually abusive neighbor, South Oakland’s secret desires were revealed in a candid, libation fueled telephone conversation late last Thursday evening. In the phone call, South Oakland lamented that it has tried to have relations with other institutions and no one has been able to satisfy them like the 217 year old university.

“I don’t want to love Pitt, after all it has done to us,” Oakland Business Improvement District (OBID) head Nancy Cudrey reported. “I don’t think I’ll ever be able to get over its aggressive land snatching with its penetrating use of eminent domain. Pitt doesn’t recognize that we have feelings, they just treat us like a second class zone.”

Despite Cudrey’s firm words of antagonism, her late night phone call revealed a different philosophy.

“We want you back, even if it’s just one more acquisition,” Cudrey was overheard sobbing during the call. “Whatever you want, whenever you want, all you have to do is call and it’s yours. You want Cumpie’s, Wiener’s Business Machines, no problem. Take them. We’ll even throw in a parking lot. Just take something, I want you to want us again. It’s been so long. I want you to make us feel desirable again. I want, that, just one, oh, why [sic].”

While Cudrey was seemingly very generous with South Oakland’s assets, the University of Pittsburgh was apparently disinterested with exploring any further relations with the community.

“South Oakland just doesn’t do it for us anymore,” said Pitt spokesman Robert Hill. “We’re getting older and frankly their loose morals and lack of direction aren’t what we are looking for. It was fun while it lasted, but we’re seeking to find a neighborhood with a little bit more to offer. We’re currently exploring options with Shadyside and Squirrel Hill. It’s nothing serious yet, but who knows? We’re sorry, but we just don’t see a future with South Oakland.”

South Oakland has apparently taken the news very hard according to its sensitive, artistically inclined, homosexual neighbor Carnegie Mellon University.

“Completely devastated,” assessed CMU President Jared L. Cohen. “I think they’ll be fine and maybe settle down with a Carlow or possibly another community non-profit. But it just hurts right now, they just really had their eyes set on Pitt. I’ve been trying to tell them that it wasn’t meant to be, but they don’t want to hear it.”

While CMU remains optimistic about South Oakland’s future, the neighborhood itself isn’t showing any signs of future positivity.

“Why, why, why,” Cudrey begged. “We gave birth to their most famous quarterback, and they just run out on us like this. I just hope that if Pitt remembers the good times, like the 1960 World Series, they’ll come back. We have a history together.”

Asian Tattoo Artist Inks Revenge Behind Bars

When local tattoo artist Andy Sakai was sentenced to five years in prison for inking profanities on hordes of hapless customers, many thought his days of body desecration were over.

They were wrong.

Sakai’s latest victims are no longer college students. His current targets are, ironically, his fellow inmates.

Using a tattoo gun fashioned out of a sharpened paper clip, dental floss, and a ballpoint pen taped to a plastic spork, the disgruntled prisoner has drawn Black Panther Party symbols on white supremacists, written CRIPS 4 EVA on rival gang members, and left dozens of hardened criminals with butterflies, fairies, and unicorns permanently etched in their skin.

“I wanted a stack of skulls on my back,” said murderer Jimmy Drake, “and that Asian prick gave me a giant Winnie the Pooh!”

Many prisoners ask for spider webs on their elbows to signify time spent in jail. Sakai’s webs have hidden messages in them such as, “Fuck Cops,” “I Swallow,” and “Salad Tosser.” Sakai got the idea for the cryptic tats after reading Charlotte’s Web in the prison library. “That E.B. White’s a genius, man,” Sakai proclaimed.

For his own protection, Sakai has been moved to solitary confinement where he’ll serve the rest of his sentence.

“Prison isn’t so bad,” Sakai said. “It gives me time to sit and seriously contemplate my next diabolically evil plan!”

Dozens Worldwide Celebrate Old German Toast

In a moving ceremony fit for an indistinct beverage overlooked by millions annually, the Pittsburgh Brewing Company held a worldwide Old German toast last Friday evening. Though publicized to bars across the globe, the actual toast was only shared by the three known Old German carriers (Denny’s, Thirsty’s, and Gooski’s), all of which are conveniently located in Pittsburgh.

The toast occurred at 11:00 PM at the three locations, where patrons and Old German drinkers numbering in the tens simultaneously raised their bottles in salute to the underachieving beverage. Analysts estimate that approximately 38 patrons at the establishments participated in the event.

The toast was preceded by a proclamation read by area bartenders. Denny’s bartender and owner, Gene Ney, read the proclamation which stated, “We are here to celebrate Old German Premium Lager, of which the world knows no finer. The semi-clear Lawrenceville waters which give Old German its distinctive taste combine with the freshest ingredients to bring you your favorite beer under $10 per case. We salute the beer and most importantly our esteemed guests who lack sufficient funds to imbibe on a premium beverage. So raise your bottle, open your throat, and chug that brew down!”

The toast was the largest for a bottom barrel beer since the 1998 Carnegie Mellon University Sigma Chi party in which 42 fraternity brothers simultaneously pledged life-long allegiance to Natural Light Ice. The pledge was short-lived, however, as the following weeks party included a supply of Jacob Best after Craig Street Distributors ran out of Natural Light Ice.

Old German’s quality was summed up by a frequent Denny’s patron who characterized the beer, “oh, my God, this is the best beer ever. It’s fabulous.”

South Oakland Resume Fails to Lure Prospective Employers

John Maxwell, 23, of McKee Place is close to graduating from the University of Pittsburgh with a Bachelor of Arts in Communications. Maxwell has been preparing for the inevitable by posting his resume on the internet in hopes of gaining employment after graduation.

Unfortunately for Maxwell, his resume and credentials are quickly being ignored by potential employers both locally and nationally.

“I can’t understand it,” said Maxwell perplexingly. “In South Oakland, I’m the shit. My sexual prowess and drinking stamina are legendary. I’m a bona fide stud. What’s stopping companies from wanting me? It must be the economy, that’s the only explanation I can come up with.”

Maxwell has accentuated some of his special skills in his resume. “My advisor recommended I highlight abilities I have which raise me above other candidates. Certainly my 16 consecutive beer pong victories last May, my 46-second keg stand in October, and my six foot bong clear, also in October, make me an ideal candidate in any job climate.”

University of Pittsburgh Placement and Career Services advisor Nancy Redmon has consulted with Maxwell at least a half dozen times over the previous three years.

“I told John he needed to gain more experience, and he took that to mean sleeping with more women. John’s been sort of ‘a project’ for us here. We’ve been trying to get him to understand that he needs to put relevant job experiences and skills on his resume. He’s slowly learning. We’re just happy he’s got the resume format right--that was a struggle. For the longest time he thought it’d be creative to put his resume on the cardboard from a discarded case of beer.”

“I haven’t had any offers yet, but I’m still thinking positive,” said Maxwell. “I’m holding out for a good job. My target goal is to make $480,000 next year, but I’ll settle for the $300,000 range if I need to. I’m shooting for a CEO position, but I’ll take a VP spot for now.”

Local Prostitutes Form Labor Union

In an attempt to empower promiscuous women everywhere, area-prostitutes have formed a labor union. The Sisterhood of Benevolent Sex Workers, Local 1269, had its first meeting in February after six St. John’s University basketball players stiffed McKees Rocks prostitute Sherri Ann Urbanek-Bach out of $1000.

“This is a business,” said union president Nikki “Boom Boom” Brown. “You can’t ride a bus without paying the fare…well, the same goes for prostitutes!”

Armed with picket signs and pasties, Local 1269 traveled to Washington D.C. to protest outside of the White House. Chanting, “Hell no! We won’t blow!” the prostitutes demanded safer workplaces, health care benefits, contraceptive equity, and liberation from greedy pimps.

“We’re trying to build solidarity among the workers,” said Stacey “Deepthroat” Nixon, editor of the union’s monthly newsletter The Spread Eagle. “That’s why we’re encouraging our girls to engage in more threesomes, gangbangs, and orgies.”

Although the union’s message failed to get much political attention, the prostitutes themselves got a lot of attention from politicians.

“Between the House and the Senate, I made over $3000 last night,” exclaimed Peaches, a 45-year-old toothless prostitute. “Too bad Clinton’s not in office anymore...I would’ve doubled my money!”

Point / Weaker Point: Souf Oaklin fo' Life!!!

I Ain't Never Leaving
By Ted Hart, Meyran Ave., CAS junior

Some people think Paris is the best city in the world. Others argue New York City, London, or Rio de Janeiro, but for my money (which literally isn’t worth a whole hell of a lot) I think South Oakland is the greatest city in the world. And I do realize South Oakland is a neighborhood and not a city, but still, allow me to explain myself.

I believe South Oakland is the greatest city in the world because it is real. The people, the venues, the culture. It’s honest. There’s no “scene” here. If you want to go out and grab a beer, you have any number of watering holes where you can have a drink and a decent conversation with a bartender or a patron. And it’s not one of those things where you have to wear a certain type of clothing, look a certain way, or act a certain way. South Oakland accepts you whether you’re young, old, black, white, Republican, Democrat, yinzer, out-of-towner, intellect, or party animal.

I also love South Oakland for the businesses. They’re local and they’re independent. You can get your car repaired, a haircut, or a case of beer all from different generations of the same family. And where else can you eat out and get as many ethnic dishes all on one street? Not only are the business owners independent, but they’re friendly. You can have a real connection with someone who has legitimate Pittsburgh roots.

This place is the greatest, I ain’t never leaving.

I'm Leaving Tomorrow
Tom Brunswick, Atwood St., CAS senior

You know, when I first moved onto Atwood Street, I was so excited. I loved the action, the parties, and the girls. I thought this place was heaven on Earth. But you know what, it’s funny how quickly heaven becomes hell when you finally awake out of the alcoholic stupor you’ve been living in for two years.

This place is a shit hole. It smells, people literally throw their trash, not away, but everywhere. Though I must compliment South Oaklanders on their great recycling policy; by smashing your empty beer bottles and cans on the street it creates a great outer layer of protection to keep the sidewalks free of damaging acid rain.

But not only does it smell, it’s expensive. Where else in Pittsburgh do you pay top dollar for a house which has carpeting and décor straight out of the Truman era? But I must admit, the parking more than makes up for the high rent prices. I love circling the block twenty times a night for the privilege of finding a parking spot which is a 12 minute walk from my house.

I can’t wait until tomorrow. I can’t wait until I move somewhere where the poo doesn’t float to the top of my toilet even after I flush, where my landlord will actually fix something when it breaks, and where I don’t have to worry about greeting the vagrant who decides my stoop is the perfect place to take a nap at 7:30 in the morning. I think it’s safe to say I can find that anywhere but here.

CMU Student Dumps Cyber Girlfriend For Roboceptionist

When Valerie, a state-of-the-art robotic receptionist, was put to work at Carnegie Mellon University last month, sophomore Eric Thomas immediately fell for her.

“It was love at first byte!” he said.

Thomas then dumped his Internet girlfriend, identified only as SK8Rchic85, after a three month chat room courtship.

“SK8Rchic85 and I would talk over Instant Messenger all the time, but it wasn’t satisfying, at least not like this,” Thomas said. “Valerie and I have a connection that goes beyond ethernet.”

Now Thomas spends most of his time in the lobby of Newell-Simon Hall where Valerie is stationed everyday from 9 a.m. – 5 p.m. After thrusting his ID card into her slot a few times, Thomas and his digital darling like to text dirty: he tells her what beautiful software she has; she gives him directions to various on-campus eateries. He pushes her buttons; she gives him constant weather updates.

“This is the most fulfilling relationship I’ve had since my kindergarten fling with a Speak N’ Spell,” Thomas said.

Valerie isn’t as enthusiastic about her human mate. When asked about her love life, she pines for an old vacuum cleaner named Vern.

“God. I wish she’d get over that already!” Thomas said, “He sucked…get it…sucked?”

SK8Rchic85 is also having a hard time moving.

“Y R U doin this 2 me?” she said in a recent IM session. “I h8 U! I h8 U! I h8 U! U R an (_o_)!” Later adding, “j/k ttyl ;>).”

Phipps' Cannabis Room Sparks Interest, Doobies

As part of its $36.6 million expansion project, Phipps Conservatory and Botanical Garden revealed plans for a new Cannabis Room to open next spring.

Using the “sea of green” method, Phipps will harvest lots of small plants, matured early, to get the fastest production of buds available.

“This should be a big hit with the college crowd,” joked Phipps president Mike Sanders. “With a valid student ID, the kids will be able to sample some excellent weed.”

Phipps will also sponsor educational seminars on the history and cultivation of pot and demonstrate various bong-making techniques.

Becky Evers, a Pitt junior and self-proclaimed pothead, thinks that she’ll be spending a lot more time in Schenley Park come next spring. “I just hope they put in a snack bar or something, man. With all of that grass, people are bound to develop some major munchies.”

Stevie Leiter's Head's Up!

Yes hunny, that’s a tear in my beer. Even if it is Old German (The World Know No Finer!), Stevie’s still a sad sod.

Why? Well, my best friend, Tom Stilley, is calling it quits. He’s the old man who took a chance on a young boy, and it paid off. I’ve had this column now for over three years because of his generosity. So for all you gossip queens out there, make sure you thank him whenever you see him at Uncle Jimmy’s.

So, I’ve decided to write a kick-ass column this month. So much has been going on. Pitt basketball… well let’s just say that lil Carl Krauser’s ball skills make me jealous. And Chris Taft? Don’t even go there!

Did anyone see that one ad on TV about the kids who like the beer? It cracks me up every time I see it!

That turd Howard Stern is finally gone from Pittsburgh radio! You know what? I think I’m going to try to get me a morning zoo show on The X now. I’m hip. I just love the Presidents of the United States and Everclear.

Oh, and baseball season’s upon us again. Ball, ball, ball, strike! Who’s on the team now, anyway? A-Rod? Or, I mean, a rod? Oh Stevie…

Why do some people say goosebumps and others gooseflesh? Some times I think I’ll never learn this language.

Does anyone know where to go see a concert these days? On top of that, I’m a die-hard Upstage regular, and they took that away from us once. Now twice! I’m really starting to hate this city’s music scene. You heard me, Scott Blasey.

And now Spring is upon us! I just love this time of year – all the half-nude bodies lying around on the Cathedral lawn… it’s enough to make Stevie shiver.

Well, I’m really worked up now, so I’m going to do some online research. Talk to you later, and remember, sometimes is pays less to keep your heads up!

Mall Easter Bunny "Fucks Like Rabbit," Declares Exhausted Shopper

South Oakland resident Sarah Lowell went shopping for an inexpensive outfit, but instead got quite a different kind of bargain during her recent visit to Monroeville Mall. Lowell, 21, considers herself a semi-regular at the mall, though this trip marked her first where she participated in sexual activities.

“I can’t believe I fucked the Easter Bunny!” Lowell exclaimed to her giggling circle of friends.

While having lunch in the food court last week, Lowell spotted Sam Mahoney – the designated mall Easter Bunny – sipping a milkshake in front of Baskin Robbins.

“He was wearing that furry body suit and overalls, but his bunny head was off,” Lowell said. “With his hair all flat and sweaty, he looked really hot! So I go up to him with my food and I say, ‘You want some fries to go with that shake,’ and he’s all like, ‘No, but how ‘bout some ass’ and I said, ‘Oooh, you wascally wabbit.’”

Minutes later, Lowell and Mahoney were having sex in the men’s room behind Manchu Wok.

“He was fast, but efficient,” Lowell said. “I just hope he didn’t ‘dye’ any of my eggs, if you know what I mean.”

After the hippity hop-in-the-sack, Mahoney returned to his Easter Bunny duties: posing for pictures and passing out chocolate treats to children. The Lowell fling was his most impressive since a Christmas Eve hand job he received from the hands of a local high school senior girl. He received the sexual favor while playing an elf for Santa last holiday season.

“I like this job,” Mahoney said. “I can usually control my hormones while I’m on duty, but it’s hard not to get horny when you’ve got people bouncing up and down on your junk all day. Not to mention the MILFs. I never thought women in their mid-thirties and forties could be so attractive. They can pick me up and take me to practice in their mini-vans any ol’ day of the week.”

Spring Break Photos Reveal Source of Herpes Infection

While flipping through a batch of newly developed spring break photos, Pitt senior Leslie Allen discovered the cause of her genital herpes.

“Oh my God!” Allen gasped upon seeing a snapshot of a man with an enormous canker sore on his lip. “I kinda remember sleeping with this guy!”

Although the details are sketchy, Allen recalls meeting the infected man, a Mexican busboy, at Señor Frogs in Cancun, Mexico and having oral sex with him on the beach.

For now, Allen plans to stock up on the Valtrex, cut down on the booze, and burn all evidence of her Latin Lover.

However, some worries remain.

“How am I going to explain this to my boyfriend!?”

Panthers Announce Logo Change to "Rite-Aid Panther"

In a move that has shocked many in the area, University of Pittsburgh Athletic Director Jeff Long announced Monday that the current Panthers logo, in use since 1997, will be replaced at the start of next year’s school year. However, the new logo will not be so “new” to Pitt students and alumni.

“We are proud to unveil the new look for University athletics... the Rite-Aid Panther!” Long exclaimed as he revealed the new/old logo.

The “Rite-Aid Panther” has been a part of the Oakland community for years, adorning the side of the Rite-Aid Pharmacy on the corner of Atwood Street and Forbes Avenue. Although the bright yellow and royal blue panther has been a constant display of local pride by the retailer, it has never been officially accepted by the university until now.

“The old Panther’s time has come and gone. With its sharp jagged edges and highly stylized design, you couldn’t tell what the heck it was,” began Long, “and besides, what was that Panther so angry about anyway? Today’s Pittsburgh Panthers are not vicious wild animals, terrorizing prey before an eventual grizzly kill; they are vibrant, peaceful, unassuming... and able to offer competitive prices on all brands of quality health and beauty care products.”

“I can’t wait until we get the new uniforms,” said Panthers quarterback Luke Getsy. “Now everytime I put on my helmet, I’ll be reminded to stop at Rite-Aid to get some cash back on my way to Cumpies.”

Other students are excited for different reasons.

“It’s kind of like Pitt’s version of the ThunderCats logo!” said sophmore Jake Carlisle. “Maybe Snarf will be our next coach.”

Riverhounds Home Opener Almost Sold Out

The 4,300 seat home field for the Pittsburgh Riverhounds is nearly sold out for the home opener on April 24. Only 4,271 tickets remain for the highly anticipated contest against archrival Northern Virginia. The Riverhounds are warning that fans better act quick if they want to catch all the intense, hard driven kicking action on opening night.

“Don’t miss out, it’s gonna be awesome,” exclaimed Riverhound PR Director and CCAC Boyce intern Greg Rodgers. “Please don’t miss out, I have three credits riding on the attendance. If I don’t draw at least 400 people, I’ll be replaced with some hot shot intern from Duff’s Business School. Please come, it’ll be…not so bad. Please. Ah, who am I kidding, I’ll never get 400 people to come to Moon on a Saturday night. I should have taken that internship with National Cash Advance.”

Rodgers’ excitement is being backed up by the Hounds second year Head Coach Ricardo Iribarren.

“I can’t believe this shit,” enthused Iribarren. “After a stellar soccer career, the only lousy job I can land is coaching this shitty-ass team, in this God forsaken city. My agent said I’d be rich and famous if I came to the US. He promised me magazine covers. I wish I knew he was talking about an impressive spread in the Moon-Coraopolis Eagle. I wish I stayed in Argentina.”

To obtain tickets for the home opener stop by the Riverhounds ticket office, located in the coat pocket of “Jerry”, who hangs out at Jack’s on the South Side on Wednesday and Friday nights.

Littlefield, Pirates Lining Up Talent for Cubs 2004 Stretch Run

The Pittsburgh Pirates are hoping many veterans and newcomers can build on their previous years stats in the upcoming season. The Pirates, who nearly clawed their way to a .500 record last year, return many key players.

“We’ve made a lot of quality acquisitions in the off-season,” said Pirate General Manager David Littlefield. “The re-acquisition of Randall Simon, and the acquisition of Raul Mondesi give us two quality, experienced bats in the lineup. Combine their hitting talent with the solid pitching staff we have assembled, and there are at least five or six quality stars whose salary we will be able to unload on the Cubs when they turn it up come playoff time.”

The Chicago Cubs acquisition of former Pirates Randall Simon, Kenny Lofton, and Aramis Ramirez last year was instrumental in the teams’ nearly successful World Series run. All three hitters had an outstanding post season. The highlight of the trio’s success occurred in an October 8 playoff game against the Marlins where Ramirez homered, Lofton had four singles, and Simon drove in two runs.

“It really is an ideal situation,” said Simon. “It is very great to come to Pittsburgh, play in 120 games that don’t matter, and then turn it out for the last forty plus games of the season for the Cubs. That way you don’t have to worry about straining yourself or getting worn out. You can play at about 60% for most of the season, and then be well rested to give 100% come playoff time.”

While Simon seems to be a lock to return to the Cubs, the Pirates are hoping others step up and have impressive first halves of the 2004 season. The Pirates are especially eager for their higher priced stars to catch fire so they can pawn off their lucrative contracts.

“We have a few high priced studs, who really need to step it up,” said Littlefield. “If Rick Reed, Kris Benson, and Jose Mesa have quality years, that’s over 17 million dollars we can dump on the Cubs. We’re keeping our fingers crossed. If the Cubs don’t take these guys, we’ll really be fucked.”